Letters
by BeshterAngelus
Summary: Letters from Scully to various people in her life.  From a blog on my muses' LJ account 1breath.
1. Letter To Your Best Friend

Dear Mulder-

How in the world did you and I end up best friends? The idea still boggles my mind. I was sent to spy on you, to undermine your work, to keep you in line. Instead you've become the only person in all of this world I can trust. The truth is that frightens me, more than I can ever explain.

I wanted to keep my distance from you, God knows I tried; the professional facade with my skeptic's perspective only ever gave you a half-seconds pause. You always saw through it. Somewhere over midnight phone calls and greasy, beef ribs, over cases that became stranger and stranger, and despite every effort to separate us, we became friends. You trusted me enough to let me into your life...and to feed your fish.

For all that we have both gone through, Mulder, I don't regret a day that I was assigned to work with you or that you came into my life.

Well...perhaps I regret the flukeman.

-Scully


	2. Letter To Your Crush

Dear Sheriff Hartwell-

I am writing to apologize for the behavior of my partner, Agent Mulder. He is a good agent, Sheriff, an amazing one, but he does have theories that are...extreme sometimes. Though I know that can't account for his behavior while we were in Texas...or the way he treated you...or the boy that he staked assuming he was a vampire...

I hope that you understand that Agent Mulder's views do not reflect those of the FBI itself, nor of me personally, and that some of us believe in rational, reasonable explanations to mysteries in life. I for one as a medical doctor do not usually jump to the automatic conclusions of vampires and mythology as an explanation for strange, vampire like deaths. Anyone can stick on a pair of fangs and pretend to be Bela Lugosi, teenagers do it all the time now, it's a fad.

*pauses dreamily for a moment*

What was I saying?

As I said, I hope this doesn't affect your view of all FBI agents, and if you have any questions or desire any explanations, please call me personally. I will be happy to speak with you.

Sincerely-

Dana Scully


	3. Letter To Your Parents

Dear Ahab and Mom-

I know my decision to enter into the FBI was sudden for you. I assure you it wasn't for me; I have been thinking about this for some time, ever since they approached me at Stanford. The idea was intriguing to me even then, to use my skills as a doctor to help people in a different way, to make an impact and difference on an everyday level, and not just from behind a microscope or a scalpel. I know, medicine makes a difference as well, and perhaps it is a safer choice...but it's not my choice.

I think this is what it comes down to in the end, and I hope you both understand. Medicine was the choice I made for the two of you, because you wanted me to be a doctor. And I've wanted nothing more than to make the two of you proud of me, so I followed it, knowing I would be good at it. But there is no passion in it for me, not in the way I thought. Pathology...law enforcement...the FBI, these things interest me, they make me excited to learn more and do more. And perhaps it isn't safe, but it is real, and so much more than holing up in a hospital or practice somewhere, wishing I was doing more with my life.

Ahab, you taught me I should never, ever live my life with regrets. That's why I'm doing this. I know you are scared, you are afraid I'll be hurt or killed. Don't you think that we felt the same every time you went out to sea? That's the chance all of us take, whether we join the military or law enforcement, or if we step off a curb to catch a bus. We never know what will happen. I refuse to live my life in fear of "what ifs."

I hope you both understand someday. I hope you can find it in your heart to be proud of me anyway.

Love-

Starbuck 


	4. Letter To Your Brother

Dear Bill-

Did anyone every mention to you that you are an ass?

I know that you are frightened right now, that you are pissed as hell seeing me dying from a disease that no one can cure. You are right, I should have been more honest with you, I should have told you. I was wrong in not doing so. I thought that I would have time to figure out how to tell you, to break it to you that I was dying. Now I know that it wasn't fair to you.

But you have no right to blame Mulder, to lay this at his feet. He's as much a victim in this as anyone else is, he didn't ask for my assignment to him, and God knows he certainly didn't ask for me to contract a fatal illness. He's a good man, Bill, the best sort of man. And while you sit back and mock him for believing in aliens, and castigate him for Melissa's death as well as my illness, he is the one out there putting his life, career, and what little reputation he has left on the line to try and save me. And while it might be futile in the end, he is stopping at nothing to do it.

All you have managed to do is to make a perfect fool of yourself. You don't think I don't know? I do. And it hurts that you would tear down someone who means so much to me. I know you feel responsible, that you are the oldest. Dad always made you man of the house when we were kids and he went off to sea. You've always been so hyper-protective of all of us. But this is one time, Bill, when you couldn't have done a thing to save me, no one could. I understand why you are angry and upset, but you are directing that at the wrong person.

I love you, but you are wrong, Bill, about so many things.

Love-

Dana


	5. Letter To Your Dreams

I couldn't believe I even allowed myself the hope and possibility of this dream. They told me it wasn't possible...catastrophic ovarian failure. No children, no possible chance for any. My doctor gave me sympathetic eyes and mumbled something about being to adopt someday, needy children, but I couldn't listen.

I hadn't realized how much I had wanted a child of my own till that moment. The maternal instinct hadn't been something I'd paid much attention to. I had assumed there would always be time later, after I was done with the X-files, when I'd helped Mulder find his sister and all the truths came to light. I had never suspected they would steal this most basic of abilities from me. And it wasn't till it was gone that I missed not having it.

Mulder revived those dreams for a brief, shining moment, with my ova in hand. I thought perhaps I could subvert those men, to prove them wrong despite their best efforts. We tried, Mulder and I, and it wasn't on his end we failed. It was on mine...defective ova, defective womb, no child. My best efforts went for naught, my last, best hope.

Mulder told me to never give up on a miracle. But even his boundless faith and never ending belief cannot force the hand of God in this. Sometimes there is simply a point when one has to accept inevitable truths. I will never have a child...they stole that from me. Even miracles at some point have an expiration date.

I won't allow myself those dreams ever again.


	6. Letter To A Stranger

To the men who took me away-

I did not ask to serve on the X-files.

My presence here was determined and executed by you. I would never have known about Fox Mulder and his quest unless you had placed me here. And yet I am the one you chose to take, to steal away in the night. I lost weeks of my life. I lost my memories of that time. I nearly lost my life. You took that away, that entire span of my existence, as if I didn't have a grieving mother at home weeping for a lost daughter, as if I didn't have a broken partner, crippled by his guilt of what you had done.

But then, perhaps that is why you did it, to wound him. As ever, I am the tool by which you seek to hamstring Fox Mulder, to crush him. I am expendable, clearly, something to be used and tossed away when inconvenient. Is that the purpose of the chip? A way to tag us, to track us, and kill us when you needed to clear up the evidence of your crimes? You let me live, you gave both Mulder and I hope...but for how long? When will it end? When will you remove that hope and kill me as you have killed those other women?

Faceless bastards...hiding in the shadows, spinning your webs, not caring that there is a real life you are toying with...my life. I'd hate you for it, but you're not even real. You are nothing more than the bogeymen in the dark. But I'll prove you are real, and I'll uncover your secrets, till I expose you.

And then, I'll hate you in the light of day.

-Special Agent Dana Scully


	7. Letter To A Former Love

Dear Jack-

Happy birthday! Did you think I would forget? That's a bit hard, as we share the day. I thought of you this morning, I indulged in one of those awful, McDonald's breakfasts you used to swear by. It tastes just as plastic as I remember, but it reminds me of those Saturday mornings when we would back up early and drive north to your cabin in the Pineys in New Jersey. You would tell me horrible stories about the Jersey Devil, just to scare me.

I found the Jersey Devil; by the way...she tried to rip Mulder's liver through his chest. True story...don't laugh, Jack Willis. Not all of the rumors you hear about the X-files are crap, you know. But you weren't one of those who sniggered at them behind Mulder's back. Colton did that a lot. You were right, Jack, Colton was worthless, but I'm too nice of a person to ever assume the worst. You warned me, but I still listened to him.

It's so strange, this birthday, the first without you here. I know things didn't end ideally between us, but you always made sure to call or leave a card, even when you were out of town. I would catch myself all day listening for the phone, hoping it was you, only to remember you were dead...gunned down in that bank robbery by Dupree. I think you were at least...I don't know if I can accept that it was you I saw dying in front of my eyes as I was chained to that radiator. The Jack Willis I knew and loved would never have hurt me. And yet, it was that Jack Willis who saved me in the end...perhaps you remembered? Did you come back for the briefest of moments, just to say goodbye? I don't know. Mulder wants to believe that, but you know me, I'm the scientist. Some things are too strange even for me to believe.

At least I was able to say goodbye.

I miss you, Jack. Happy birthday!

Love-

D


	8. Letter To An Internet Friend

To:  
From: scully_

Frohike-

Your appreciation is admirable, and I have to say that I am flattered. However, I feel I should perhaps mention that it is against federal communication laws for anyone to hack into the email of a private citizen without judicial permission. Also, as a federal officer I should perhaps warn you that you could be further subject to fines and jail time for the sensitive information that you may or may not have discovered while sorting through my emails.

I know telling you this only eggs you on. Still, I've made my one effort to do the fair thing in warning you. If I find that you have been sifting through my personal account again, looking for whatever tidbits of my life you are interested in, I'll have you brought up on charges so fast those glasses of yours will fly off your face. Go dig somewhere else.

For the record there are no embarrassing photos of me, no deep dark secrets of my misspent youth, and no boy toy on the side for you to gush to Mulder about. Stay off my machine, Frohike, and I might just spare your life.

-Scully


	9. Letter To Someone You Would Like To Meet

Dear Samantha-

Can you blame me for being curious about you? You are the center focus of everything my life has become. It is the search for you that brought your brother to the X-files, and it was the X-files that precipitated my assignment to work with Fox. Everything in my life has ultimately centered on you and that question of where you are, what became of you. Your parents gave up on it long ago. Your brother refuses to.

Frankly, I'm not sure where I stand on it, whether I feel he should let it go and heal or continue the search, at least for some closure.

I wonder how thing would have been different if you had been allowed to stay, to grow up, to live a normal life. Would you and Fox have led very different lives? Would your parents have divorced? Would he have gone to Oxford? Would he have joined the FBI and ultimately discovered your father's secrets? Would you have grown to go to college, find a career, marry someone special and give your brother all the nieces and nephews he could possibly spoil?

Would I have ever worked on the X-files? Would I have gone through my own abduction, cancer, could I still have children? How different would my life have been if you had been allowed to stay, if you hadn't been taken? Would I have ever met your brother, a man whose impact has been so great on my life? I want to believe I would, that fate, destiny, something would have brought Fox and I together eventually, but I have to wonder if that was the case. Would he even need me if you had stayed?

I don't know if we'll ever know the truth of what became of you, Samantha. That saddens me, as I feel that I should very much like to meet you, to speak to you, to see you as something more than a mere cherished memory from over twenty-five years gone. I would like to see the person you were, the person you became. I still have hope that someday I will.

Sincerely-

Dana Scully


	10. Letter To Someone You Haven't Spoken To

Dear Charlie-

When did we grow up to be so busy? Wasn't it just yesterday we were playing in the dirt in the backyard of one of our base houses in San Diego? We were trying to make a swimming pool like the Millers had. Mom never forgave us for putting a giant mud hole in front of her tomato patch. I think the divit is still there if you go and look.

We were attached at the hip once. Yeah, sure, you wanted to be a tough guy, like Bill, and hated that I tagged along with you. Perhaps you really hated more I was a better shot than either of you. Remember Dad taking us out to the cabin in San Bernardino to 'hunt'. I cried so many times over that poor, dead squirrel. Bill rolled his eyes at me and said that's why I couldn't go out with you guys anymore, but you held my hand and told me you would cry too. You always did understand, Charlie.

I hated growing up because that meant that I grew apart from my little brother. I didn't mind growing closer to Missy, we had so many memories that I cherish now that she is gone. But I did miss my kid brother...except when you were an obnoxious brat. Then I could cheerfully kill you. Before I knew it you we were both away at college, and we hardly got a chance to speak to one another. Now I'm lucky if I get to see you when you are on leave. I get the occasional Christmas or birthday card. But then again, I suppose it's to be expected, you are in a hard career, its not like I can just pick up the phone and call you.

There are times, especially since Missy died, that I wish I could. You know I love Bill, but we are too much alike, we buck heads too often. You and Missy always had the more peacemaker natures Bill and I didn't. I miss just having someone who would listen and give me straightforward, heartfelt advice. There are so many times in my life, especially now, when I could use it.

I miss you, even if I hate admitting it. Give me a call when you can.

Love-

Dana


	11. Letter To Someone You Want To Talk To

Dear Ahab-

Of all the times I've thought of you since you passed, I don't know why tonight you came to mind. Lying in bed beside the man I've given everything for, facing an uncertain future, far from Mom, far from the boys, far from our son...my life has turned upside down. I'm a ship without a sail, and perhaps that's why I'm looking to you, Ahab. Who better to turn to for a little guidance?

I told you when I joined the FBI that it was to change the world, to make it better. And I want to believe on some level I've done that. There are countless lives I've touched, people I've helped, and truths I've discovered. But I'm overwhelmed also by all that I've lost as well. The work of nine years is finished, we have our answer, Dad, but what good does it do us? The truth is so final, so huge; it's terrifying to even think about. It scares Mulder, and I can count on one hand the number of things I know he's frightened of. I want to hide from the truth, to deny it, to pretend that it can't happen. But you taught me that only cowards hide from the truth.

I'm too tired to be strong, Ahab...at least right now.

When you were out at sea, did you ever wish for a life more simple? Do you ever think to yourself that if you just had Mom by your side, and us kids asleep, safe in our beds, that it would be all the heaven you would need? Lying here with Mulder asleep beside me, after so long apart, I think that it is time. We've earned this, this time together to just be us, Fox and Dana, not Mulder and Scully, not the X-files, not some grand conspiracy out to rule the world. We have ten years; I want to spend that time for us, not as heroes, but as normal people who have normal lives. Can we do that, knowing our only child is so far away from us? I don't know. We haven't discussed William yet. I don't know if we ever will. Perhaps soon.

I'm done chasing whales, Ahab. I long to return to Nantucket from the sea, to live quietly, enjoy the world, and have the life you always wanted for me. I wish I could speak to you and ask you if that is the right decision.

Love as always-

Starbuck


	12. Letter To The Person You Hate

To CGB Spender or whatever you call yourself really-

I pray to God you are dead now, but I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting you are there, watching me in a cloud of Morley smoke. Can you really kill evil? So many times I thought we were free of you and you would slither back into our lives, tainting everything that was good in them because you could. Have you ever loved anything, appreciated anything? Or has it ever only been pieces in your grand scheme, pawns to use and dispose of as you saw fit?

I could simply just hate you for what you did to me alone. My sister...my cancer...my daughter...William. There aren't enough lifetimes to hate you for those things, for the wrongs committed. But then there is Mulder...your own son. Did you know that when you toyed with him and twisted him around to fit your purpose, broke him time and time again so that you could entice him with your false promises? Did it ever matter to you that you were destroying the only good thing that had ever come out of your miserable life? Perhaps not. I don't think compassion becomes you. Certainly the love of a father doesn't, I've seen what you've done to Jeffrey. Two sons, and they meant nothing to you.

I'm glad I sent away William, so you couldn't do the same to him as you did to his father and uncle. You and your kind will never find him. My son will have the chance to live the life he deserves, one not perverted by your machinations and schemes. I take some small comfort in knowing he will have the life you denied Mulder and I. We can never run away from the X-files or the truths of what you did. I won't have William be a part of it.

If you hadn't stepped into our lives, how different would they be? I ask myself that question a lot. Would I still be at Quantico? Would Mulder have scaled the ladder of success at the Bureau? Would we have even met? Perhaps. But then none of your lies would have come to light, none of the truths of what you've done. And I have to take some small consolation in the fact that for all we've lost; we at least were able to destroy you.

I hope you find hell comfortable...but then I suppose it's a homecoming of sorts.

-Dana Scully


	13. Letter For Seeking Forgivness

Dear Melissa-

There are not enough apologize in the world to beg you for forgiveness. What can I say? You are gone, dead well before you should have been because I was careless. One seconds lapse in thought and you walked into a trap. I knew! They warned me ahead of time, and still I forgot, sidetracked by my own fears, by everyone else...I should have warned you, I should have stopped you, I shouldn't have gotten in that car with Skinner. Your death lies on my head.

Mom's exhausted herself with tears. It's broken her heart to lose you so soon after Dad, so soon after you returned. She always thought you would die on one of your rambles, never in the safety of your sister's home. I feel it every time I walk in the door, the place where you died. I still see the stain in the carpet, though the super changed it out for me, free of charge. I wonder if I'll always see it, till I find the men who shot you and bring them to justice.

It's the only thing I can do to make up for this, bringing them to justice. I don't know if it will be enough, but I have to try.

I'm sorry Missy, so sorry...please forgive me?

Your sister-

Dana


	14. Letter To Someone Who Has Drifted

Dear Ellen-

What, it's been years since I saw you and the kids? All I can say is that I am sorry. I know Trent hardly recognizes his godmother anymore. You know how work can be, and with the FBI, it's even worse. No life outside of the Bureau it seems. It isn't much of an excuse, I know, but it's the only one I have.

Before you even ask, yes I'm still working with my cute partner. No we haven't ever...you know...look, before you start rolling your eyes at me, I know I'm not getting any younger. But it's not like that, we are partners, friends...anything else would mix that up, and I don't want that. Mulder has come to mean a lot to me in ways I can't even explain. Turning it into something cheap and petty for the sake of getting laid would undermine the wonderful thing we have.

Don't you dare laugh at me, Ellen.

I wish I had more to tell you that wouldn't make you stare at me as if I were crazy, but my life is reduced to really chasing after one strange case after the other, going home and doing paperwork, and getting a bath before bed. Exciting, I know. It wasn't how I pictured my life when we were in college. It's not even how I pictured my life when I joined the Academy. I remember you warned me then too, that I would never have a normal life if I sold my soul to the Bureau. I suppose you were right, El. I try, but seeing as it's been forever since I've spoken to you, your point has been made.

We should get together for dinner sometime...I can come over and see the boys? Spend some time with my nephews I never see? I'll bring the wine.

Yours-

Dana


	15. Letter To Someone You Miss The Most

Dearest William-

Today is your eight birthday. It hardly seems as if it's been eight years since those days when I could hardly believe you were there, that you were real, and that you were mine. You were everything I had dreamed of and more, the answer to long cherished hopes and prayers. When I knew you there safe, that nothing was wrong with you, I cried in relief. And I promised at that moment I would do anything and everything to protect you, to make sure you were safe.

And so I did. And that's why you are growing up, far away from me.

I wish I could explain to you why I gave you up, my precious baby. I longed for you, I had tried for you, I wasn't supposed to have children. That ability had been taken away from me. I wanted you more than anything in this world. I wanted to keep you with me, to watch your first steps, your hear your first words, to see you learn to run and jump, to leave crayon pictures on my walls and bring home clay molds of your little hands from daycare. I wanted you to know your father, the good man that he is. I wanted him to teach you baseball and basketball, his two favorite sports. To have deep conversations with you over the eating of hot dogs and pizza, and perhaps a few manly truths as well. Together I wanted us to be the ones who guided you through the trials of school and friends, of heartbreaks and losses, to see you grow up to be the man that would make the two of us proud.

I wanted all of those things so badly...more than that I wanted you to have a chance to have every single one of those things, from baseball to first kisses. And that is why I had to let you go, my darling. Your father and I began a mission ago that endangered everything in our lives. And you were a part of that quest. And the people we wished to stop, to expose, would stop at nothing, even harming you. They tried, several times. I was alone at the time, your father...he couldn't be with us. It was clear I couldn't take care of you alone. And so I made the decision to send you to a family somewhere who could take care of you, who could teach you all the things I wanted to teach you, to make sure you lived the life I wanted you to live.

It was by far the single hardest thing I had to do ever in my life. And I'm still not sure it was right.

William, I don't know if I'll ever get to meet you someday. I hope I do. I want to see what my baby has become. Did you inherit your father's height? You had his dark hair, and I fear you probably inherited his nose, (he won't be thrilled to hear that.) Did you grow up with my scientific mind or your father's intuitive reasoning? Are you just as inquisitive as the two of us, always searching the stars for the truth?

You are missed everyday, by the both of us, more than you will ever know.

Your father told me once to never give up on a miracle. He is a man of great faith, William. And because of him I have to believe that someday we will see you again. I want to believe.

With all the love in my heart-

Your mother-  
Dana


	16. Letter To Someone Not In The Country

Krycek-

Siberia can have you. I hope you rot there. I hope they shove down a dark hole with no sunlight and let you choke on your own outrage till you die from it. It will never be enough to make up for my sister or Mulder's father.

Next time I see you, if there is a next time, I won't stop Mulder from beating the living hell out of you.

-Scully


	17. Letter To Someone From Childhood

Dear Sister Spooky-

You set the tenor of my life. Do you know how many nightmares you gave me as a ten-year-old, filled with zombie saints raising to life from dismembered relics in churches across the world? How about the gory deaths of martyrs replayed over and over again with spikes and fire, and it took me forever to be able to smell flowers or fresh baked bread without being thoroughly disgusted. My mother couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I never thought I would meet a spookier person than you in my entire life.

That was till I met my partner. Since Fox Mulder stepped into my life I've been dropped in an elephant carcass, swallowed by a giant mushroom, drugged by a supposed vampire, asked to study a fluke creature, nearly infected by a killer spore, drug around more government conspiracy sights looking for aliens than I care to imagine, and now have nearly performed an autopsy on a man I swore was dead, but clearly wasn't.

And that's not counting being harassed by a movie producer while studying the supposed remains of the Lazarus Bowl.

I wish I could say this was unusual for my life, but no...this is pretty standard fair. So I'm writing this letter to you to inform you that I apologize for calling you Sister Spooky all those years ago. As creepy as you were, and there was no denying that you were one strange, ooky lady, you can't hold a habited finger to my partner. He has made my life one never-ending ick-fest. And I can guarantee any story you have, I can top it by a mile...even the St. Catherine's wheel story.

Hope you are scaring some other fifth-graders somewhere into behaving.

Sincerely-

Dana K. Scully


	18. Letter To Someone You Wish You Could Be

Dear Mom-

How did you make it through one pregnancy let alone four? I'm already counting down the days and hours till this little one is here. I admit I will be happy to not have to deal with swollen feet, an aching back, feeling like a blimp, and not being able to sleep on my stomach. Not that I would trade any of this or this baby for the entire world.

I admit, Mom, I'm scared about this. I suppose none of us are ready to be parents, but I had honestly thought I never would be one. I thought that chance was gone for me. Just as I was preparing to move on with my life this happened. I've yet to even wrap my mind around how, (besides the obvious), and now I'm facing having a small human being in my life who will be completely and totally dependent on me in every way.

How did you do it?

I know I was Dad's little girl, the Starbuck to his Ahab, but don't think I didn't watch you. You wrestled with the four of us while Dad was off to sea, doing it alone, handling football games and orthodontist appointments, and still getting dinner done by six. You managed Bill's snotty attitude, Melissa's rebellion, my awkwardness, and Charlie's constant string of troublemaking, and you didn't bat an eye. How many skinned knees did you doctor, hurt feelings did you mend, tears did you dry? You were a superwoman!

And it wasn't just when we were children that you shined. I remember the night Missy told us all over dinner she was no longer going to church with us because she felt she was no longer Christian. I thought for sure you and Dad would die of horror and shame on the spot, a good Catholic family with a daughter who had become a heretic! Poor Dad, he looked as if he had been blindsided! But you took it calmly, and said that you would never force a child of yours to do or believe something they didn't. I held tight to that memory years later when I broke it to you and Ahab that I was joining the FBI. If you hadn't been so understanding...I might not have done it. I know you probably regret now that you were that open minded, but I think in the end this was where I was meant to be, despite everything that's happened.

You were the rock for all of us. Ahab was whom I set my sail by, but you were the light on the shore always guiding me home. You have kept us all together through Dad's death, through Missy's, through all the trials and tribulations we've suffered as a family. I can only ever hope and pray to be half the woman you are, to be half the mother you are. I have the best of examples in you.

I hope that my child looks up to me half as much as I look up to you. I hope I can be for my baby everything you've been for all of us.

Happy Mothers Day-

Dana


	19. Letter To Someone Who Bothers You

Donnie Pfaster-

I still hear you in my nightmares. Right along with the place where I was taken and experimented on, you are there, whispering in my ear, touching my hair, and stroking my hand. I can still hear you calling me "girlie girl." I wake up with bile in my throat, coating my tongue as I strangle a scream.

You are dead now. I saw to that. I was raised with the maxim "thou shall not kill." I've killed many men; it is part of what I do as a law enforcement agent. I have long struggled with my faith and that aspect of my job. But I think of that night, of what you did to me, of what you might have done to me, and I can't bring myself to feel guilty for what I did. I murdered a man...but perhaps it was what was meant to be. You were a monster, Donnie Pfaster, whatever the sad circumstances of your life. And I had to stop you before you hurt anyone again.

I'm not sorry that I killed you. I'm only sorry that you didn't die sooner, before anyone else was hurt.


	20. Letter To Someone Who Broke Your Heart

Dear Daniel-

I checked in with Maggie, the hospital says you should be released soon. I'm glad to hear you've improved so much; we thought for a while you wouldn't make it. But your doctors seemed to be impressed with your progress, though bemused such a respected cardiologist would allow his own heart to get so bad. I know the irony isn't lost on them...it isn't lost on me either.

I know you've called since I last stopped by your hospital room. I won't deny I've ignored them; you are too smart for me to try and placate you with false words. You won't change my mind, Daniel, not that you ever have. Besides, this is the time to try and make things right with Maggie, with your daughter. She needs to be your first priority right now.

As for me...us...as I said, that was finished long ago. I am no longer the girl you thought you were in love with years ago. And frankly I'm not the girl who was madly in love with you then either. Did you not know I was in love with you? How could I not be, a young medical student, completely under the wing of the handsome, dashing Daniel Waterston, the head of the world-famous cardiology school at Stanford? I never told anyone about those long weekends in Napa making love to you rather than studying for my exams, or the conference I went with you to Europe where you made me feel like a princess out of a fairy tale. I honestly believed then that you loved me...not just the idea of me...that when medical school was over we would marry, have the white picket fence, the dog, the kids, all the things I wanted. I suppose it never occurred to me that you had already done those things with someone else.

I knew you were married, but you had me believe that it was over, that your marriage was finished and you were free to be with someone else. Imagine my surprise when I heard a phone message from her to you one day, making it clear that you two were nowhere near divorced, you weren't even near separated. No wonder you didn't take me to meet Maggie or to see your home. I should have realized then. Did you honestly think I would just accept being some man's mistress, with my Catholic upbringing? Crushed isn't even a word for what I felt...betrayed, humiliated, guilty. I never wanted to hurt your wife, Maggie, to ever be the "other woman".

I did flee to pathology I admit that. But to be honest I had already been giving it serious consideration, even before I found out. Perhaps, underneath it all, I always knew that something would happen. And I have to wonder now how much of my interest in cardiology was based really on my own wants and desires and how much of it was actually you. Whatever the case, I made the decisions I did. I won't pretend that there haven't been regrets...none of this was the life I envisioned for myself as a young med student. There have been times, especially recently, when I've wondered where I went wrong. Seeing you again brought that all into sharp relief. I remembered the girl I was, the dreams I had when I was with you and for a brief, shining moment, and I wanted that. Not the white picket fence, or the house and kids, but the innocence of those days. I wanted to feel like Dana again, not Special Agent Scully. I wanted to believe that the man I loved was a prince, and I was being whisked away to a perfect life...a life I swanted with you.

I came to an epiphany this weekend, however, and I can't explain why. Perhaps it was speaking to you and Maggie, perhaps it was the case I was working on, perhaps it was just one of those moments we all have in our life when the stars align and suddenly it all becomes very clear. You and I have both been caught in the past, Daniel. I've defined my entire adult life by the reckless actions of a very young and very foolish twenty-five year-old woman. And you in your heart still see that girl worshipping at your feet, still adoring you. But that girl no longer exists. I've seen too much, Daniel, been through too much. My life has gone wildly different than the one I envisioned for myself, and the woman that you saw in the hospital is not the Dana you remember. You believe that you can help me find that. That you can help me get back to what we both once were...but you don't even know me, Daniel, not the person I am now. You have no concept of the things that have defined me. And in the end, I'm afraid, the things I wanted when I was twenty-five are now no longer the things I want at thirty-five.

Do you understand, Daniel? Please do, because this is as much for you as it is for myself or for Maggie. You have spent years waiting for me. It's time to stop. Time has moved on, and that's OK. You have a lot of wrongs, most especially your daughter, which you need to make up for. Maggie needs you, and your illness nearly robbed her of that chance to make right with you. Perhaps that was what your broken heart was trying to tell you. As for myself, I think this was the opportunity I needed to see that despite the twists and turns my life has taken; it has ended up right where it belonged, with the person it belonged. And perhaps I finally realized what I always knew about him,that I needed and wanted him all along.

I don't know if we will ever be able to understand why life does what it does, Daniel, or why things lead to the places they do. But I do know this, at one time I loved you, at one time I adored you. But that time is past. It is time for moving on for both of us.

All the best-

Dana


	21. Letter To A Poor First Impression

Dear Agent Pendrell-

I feel silly that I never knew your first name.

When I met you I have to admit I didn't remember your name at all. I'm sorry for that. I know you were excited, I had been your instructor at the Academy, but as happens when you see hundreds of students, sometimes names escape you. And it wasn't because you were easy to forget, just...well few students ever stand out in a basic pathology course, and I'm afraid I missed you on that one.

I'm making this so much worse, aren't I?

Mulder teased me about you a lot. He saw that you were always eager to help when I was involved, and he always told me you had a crush on me. Perhaps you did. I am sorry that I didn't pay attention to your feelings, Pendrell. I always thought of you in the highest respect, a great colleague, your work was critical to the cases we broke. But...I suppose I foolishly never noticed why it was you always leapt to our aide. I regret that now...the chance to get to know you.

You were a good colleague, a good friend, better than I was. Perhaps that's why it hurts that you died the way you did. You were a trained FBI agent, perhaps not out in the field, but you had the same training Mulder and I did. You shouldn't have been killed in a bar, sharing a drink with me, and trying to be what you always were in life...the truest of friends. And I'm only sorry the men who are responsible will likely never be punished.

It's not fair that so few bothered to learn your name. And most will never know what a good, heroic soul you were. I won't forget you...

Especially now I know your first name.

Thank you-

Agent Dana Scully


	22. Letter To A Second Chance

Dear Diana-

We are grown women, and I won't pretend that we don't both know how we feel about each other...or how we feel about Mulder. This isn't a letter regarding that. I wanted to apologize to you, to say I'm sorry for the lack of charity from myself...to say I wish things had been different.

I don't know all of what your intentions to my partner were. I can't believe you were here out of selflessness to the work or out of deference to your old relationship. But I do know that if it hadn't been for you I wouldn't have found Mulder in that facility. I wouldn't have been able to bring him home. God knows, he could be dead now. And despite the role you played in all of that, and I have no doubt you did, you loved him enough to not allow him to be used anymore.

We will never be friends. I think our respective positions preclude that. But I think that at least we can come to an understanding. And I believe that despite my misgivings a part of you does genuinely care about Mulder. For that and for him I will try at least. But I won't stop myself if you ever lay a hand to him again.

Sincerely-

Dana Scully


	23. Letter To The Last Person You Kissed

Fox-

The first person I kissed was some boy that Missy put me up to kissing. I was twelve, and he really liked my sister. It was wet and sloppy, perhaps took all of three seconds, and was over so fast I barely registered it happened. I never saw that boy again. But it shook me to the core, and opened up an entire world to me for the first time, an awakening I guess.

The first romantic kiss I had, I was sixteen, it was my first boyfriend, and I thought that kiss would last forever. I think I fell in love with the boy that night, which is perhaps why it hurt so much when we broke up a month later. But I still remember it all these years later.

I never experienced hunger or passion until my first serious, adult relationship. Not even my first lovers could leave me breathless the way Daniel did. I knew he wanted me, desired me, perhaps in his own way he cared about me, but I was a thing to desire, to want, an object to have. That is why even ten years after I left him he still wanted me, not because of who I am, but because he desired someone who never existed. But at the time, those kisses, they made me believe I was loved, worshiped, adored.

I didn't know that a kiss could be all of those things, passionate, romantic, life changing, and so all consuming that you almost swear you would drown in it, but damn it you don't even care. That was until I finally allowed myself to kiss you. Perhaps that is why I waited all these years, I knew from the moment I met you that this would be what would happen, that I would be lost the moment I did it.

I'm not lost, really...I think I finally have just found my way, to the place I have belonged for a long time. And I don't ever intend on leaving it.

You know its for always-

Dana


	24. Letter To Your Favorite Memory

Mulder-

I don't know where you are tonight. Somewhere safe I hope. I like to pretend you are camped out somewhere with a basketball game on television and a beer in hand, just like the old days stuck in stuffy hotel rooms. How many times did I find you like that, lazily complaining about the refs call while I had my nose stuck in a case? At some point you'd suggest we'd get pizza, I'd complain that there are other foods out there, and you would mention that so few of them actually tasted good with extra cheese. I'd give in and let you order, but secretly I didn't mind so much.

Can you tell I miss you when I miss even that?

That isn't my favorite memory of you, though. It's one of several thousand good ones, but not my favorite one. That memory is much more recent. No, my favorite memory of you is here, in my apartment, with William and me. The terror in your eyes when I actually suggested you hold him, then the radiance when you realized he wouldn't explode in your arms. I thought I could die happy then, knowing you and I shared this, our son. I hadn't expected professions of feelings...perhaps I assumed we already knew, but then again we know how good I am with this assuming, conjecture thing, don't we? We really did need to acknowledge it, didn't we, finally that we loved each other. I suppose William was sort of the dead give away.

We always were a pair of idiots when it came to out feelings, weren't we? I'm just sad it took us so long and so much to admit to each other how we really, honestly felt about one another. But enough of regrets, I just want to think about that moment, that shining moment when you told me you loved me. I didn't think anything could displace William's arrival in my heart, and perhaps it didn't. It simply stands side by side with it.

And then you went away.

I know it isn't for always, I know that at some point you will come back home to us. You have to, who else is going to teach your son about how to win Mom over when he's misbehaved, or how to yell at the umpires or ref on TV when a bad call is made? I sure can't teach him the all-important things in life, like how to eat a hot dog and at a baseball game. That's why we need you home...that and other reasons.

I miss you so much. But I'm nothing if not patient, I think waiting eight years for you to even say those words shows I have a plethora of that. Come home soon, Mulder.

Love always-

Dana


	25. Letter To Someone Having The Worst Time

Dear John-

We are safe. For now we are laying low out west and enjoying, if you will, a much-needed vacation. I don't know how long we will be out here, but we have contacts letting us know when it is safe. Please let Monica know all is well for now.

I've heard through the grapevine everything that has happened since we left, to you and to Monica and your careers. I'm sorry. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, that you weren't catching the brunt of our actions. I can't thank you enough for what you did in New Mexico. It saved us. But I know what it cost you. You made a stand in a fight that wasn't your own, neither of you have a personal stake in. And because of it you both have injured your careers. I can only hope that now the X-files are gone and we have left you can somehow put them back together again. Perhaps you will never be completely trusted, reputations always proceed you in the FBI, but with time people do forget, just as long as you know what buttons not to push.

When you became my partner after Mulder's disappearance, I had no idea things would become so complicated, that you would be sucked into it. Frankly I wanted you off the work and away from me as soon as possible. That was unfair of me, I know that, and I apologize for my behavior then, and of course everything that's happened now. You've been a good friend and a good partner, and it's a shame that you won't get to continue our work. I think you and Monica would have been good at it.

We will contact you soon when we get settled. We are thinking someplace out east, the one place they likely won't want to look for us. Till then I'm trying to convince Mulder it's OK to not sleep with one eye open and the value of eating meals that aren't delivered in boxes. Ten years and I'm still fighting an uphill battle...and I wouldn't have it any other way. Normalcy is a good thing for us, I think.

Take care, and I'll stay in touch-

Dana


	26. Letter To A Pinky Promise

Dear Emily-

I promised you that everything would be all right. I promised you I would take you home with me and be a real mommy to you. I promised I would make you better. I promised you would never have to see a hospital ever again.

I'm sorry I can't keep any of those promises.

I wish I could do all of that. I want to keep you with me forever, my little girl. You're like stardust in my life, unexpected and wonderful, but melting away forever under the harsh light of day. The harder I try to keep you, the faster you fade away from me. The only promise I can give is that someday we will be together again. And I will get to hold you and love you like I never could when you were alive.

Love always-

Mom


	27. Letter To Someone You Knew A Day

Dear Mr. Bruckman-

I know you have passed on, but I never got a chance to thank you for the time we spent together. Perhaps you were cranky and flippant, but you were nice as well. You taught me the value of not knowing too much about ones future. And you were surprisingly pleasant company hiding out in that hotel. I have to say I thought you were charming in your own grumpy way.

It's hard being partners with Agent Mulder at times. He believes so readily without thinking about the consequences. I do not. I think he could take an object lesson from you, about the consequences of too much knowledge, and how that takes away from the mysteries of life. Sometimes those mysteries are part of what makes life worth living...especially the mystery of how we die.

At least you were right in how you went, Mr. Bruckman. And I was there, holding your hand. I was very sad that you passed like that. But I suppose that was always the way you saw yourself going.

I did find your neighbors dog, and I have brought him home with me to Washington DC. I named him Queequeg, after the character in Moby Dick, the cannibal. I thought it was appropriate. After all, he was found gnawing on his poor mistress as well. Perhaps I'm the only one who sees the humor in this name. I'll try to take care of him and love him well.

Thank you, Mr. Bruckman.

Sincerely-

Dana Scully


	28. Letter To Someone Who Changed Your Life

Dear Section Chief Blevins-

I know that the X-files was a temporary assignment. I was supposed to derail Agent Mulder's work, discredit his findings, and send him packing out of the FBI with a tattered reputation while the FBI remained perfectly clean. I'm sorry it didn't quite work out that way. But I had to thank you, sir, for assigning me to this task. You see I had planned a successful if humdrum career in the FBI forensics lab perhaps followed up by acting as a teacher at the Academy in Quantico. Then I might find a nice man, settle down, and raise a family, the usual things.

None of those things has happened now. And while I can't say I regret the work I am doing, I have to thank you, Chief Blevins, for making all that happen. If you hadn't assigned me to the X-files, I might be living a life more ordinary now, certainly less dangerous.

I hear you've gotten yourself mixed up with a dirty pharmaceutical company with nefarious ties to secret government organizations. I'm sorry to hear that. IT must make life rather difficult for you. Well, we all have choices we make and consequences we live with.

Sincerely-

Agent Dana Scully


	29. Letter To Someone You Wish To Confess To

Dear Walter-

It's strange calling you that now. You know in seven years I only called Mulder "Fox" a handful of times? It was far too intimate, a sacred line I wasn't prepared to cross with him. I'm sure you assumed that line had been crossed years ago. Would it surprise you to know it wasn't, that it was the one FBI regulation we never trampled and mangled?

Probably not...I think you were the one person in the entire Bureau who always understood our work and us. You stood there between us and them, walking that careful line. You once apologized to me for not taking sides, for hugging that fence...I don't blame you for not coming off of it. In truth your presence there is likely what saved us, saved our work.

There is so much that I feel I should tell you about, but I don't know if I should. I still need you there, Walter, standing as that go between, at least till I find Mulder. You've stood as our protection this long, and I know you want answers now that you've seen, now that you know. But for now, its better you didn't. Not till he's home safe.

You have always been my superior. Now I'm reaching out to you as a friend. I'm asking you for my sake, for my baby's sake...and for Mulder's. I need you to keep straddling that fence, to stand guard for me. Just for a little while...

Sincerely-  
Dana


	30. Letter To Your Reflection

This wasn't the path I had planned for myself.

I'd planned to be a doctor.

I'd planned to be a wife.

I'd planned to be a mother.

I'd planned to live a normal, blissful, darkness-free life.

I didn't plan to join the FBI.

I didn't plan to chase conspiracies.

I didn't plan to be abducted.

I didn't plan to lose my ability to have children.

I didn't plan on my career falling to the wayside.

I didn't plan on Emily, and William was a miracle.

I didn't plan on giving him up.

I didn't plan on throwing it all away to follow my crazed partner.

I didn't plan on falling in love with him either.

I didn't plan on knowing how the world was going to end.

I may not have planned for it, but it is what it is. Life is never anything we plan. All we can do is hope that we take away joy, love, and hope from the darkness that often fills it.

I'm glad to say I have all three...and I still have the crazed partner at me side.

If only I could get him to vacuum up the sunflower seeds.


End file.
